The night after I published my last post, the one about not worrying, I had a small bleed.
I was 38.5 weeks pregnant so I toddled in to the hospital although I wasn't panicking as bub was mobile and the bleeding had stopped. I felt the most likely scenarios were a short hospital stay and a possible c-section or home and a normal birth and after what we've been through the last two years, this felt manageable. As we drove in Jon and I strategised how to deal with a possible hospital stay and what we'd do if I needed a c-section etc. We grabbed some dinner on the way in and as I waited for Jon to bring out the food, I felt some MASSIVE movements from bub. Bub turned transverse - that is lying accross my abdomen. Not a good position to be in. I was admitted and by the next morning bub was a footling breech, head up and feet at the exit, with the cord lying under his or her feet. If my waters broke while the baby was in this position, we'd have minutes to get bub out as the cord would be pinched. So I spent the next few days hanging around the hospital with a cannula in my hand waiting to see if bub would turn back. Thankfully, bub did and he or she became tightly wedged in my pelvis ready for exit. It took me a few days to convince the doctors to let me out and I ended up being in hospital for a week and a half.
It was an exercise in trust and not worrying. I was blessed with time to rest and the ministry of our little church gathering around to support us in practical and prayerful ways. I have rarely felt so loved, blessed and treasured amidst frustrations.
I got home Wednesday and Billy, aged 7, started with violent gastro symptoms. About 2am, Jon joined in. Andrew (3) started last night. Did I mention I was "due" Wednesday? And then there is the odd private family stress and all the last minute jobs not getting done....
Crazy, crazy times.
But you know what? I trust Him.
It's not a matter of believing that the worst won't happen. It's a matter of believing that the worst cannot separate me from God. And I know that it is so because He proves Himself Faithful every day.
I love this baby and anticipating having a healthy, strong newborn has healed parts of my heart that I thought were broken for good. I did not plan to have this baby, in fact by all my calculations and measures this baby should be impossible. Every day of this pregnancy has been saturated with the need to trust God that He will give me the strength to deal with whatever is coming. 5 traumatised kids, 1 medically fragile kid with life long special needs and a newborn. That's a lot. Strangers on the street stop me to tell me so. Some people (a vocal minority) who know us go to great length to tell us how foolish, cruel, lazy and stupid we are. I find myself being quick to tell people that this baby was not planned to try and defuse the criticism that so often comes my way and I hate that because I do not want this baby to feel for ONE MOMENT that he or she is not desperately loved and wanted.
When the words of others start to make me feel heartsick, when people feel the right to speak judgement into our lives, when people are used by Satan as a tool to speak hate, discouragement and pain into our lives - I need to fix my eyes on Him. When we are under attack, as we so obviously are at the moment, I need to look for the ways that He is embracing and comforting me. When everything seems to be going wrong, I need to change my perspective from temporal to eternal and realise that God is indeed in control. I am a work in progress, my whole family is, and I need to borrow Jesus eyes to take a good hard look at myself.
So, dear reader, if you are in the midst of trial, I have two pieces of advice.
First: Eyes up. Stay fixed on Jesus, the Author and Finisher of our faith (Hebrews 12). We don't need to do this in our own strength. If you are failing, perhaps the best thing you can do is just let it all go and rest in Him. Let Him take over.
Second: Punch today in the face. Today is what you need to deal with. Not tomorrow, or next week. God is who you are accountable to, not your neighbour, the old lady at church with the vocal opinions or the stranger on the street. Be faithful with today, and if you fail - remember, He doesn't fail and He loves you and start again. His mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:23)