Thursday, January 29, 2015

A letter to myself

Dear Me,

Here's the thing.  When a doctor or a nurse or a specialist or a therapist walks in the door, you treat them like a superstar.  You do this, not because you worship the "expert" or the "degree" but because you know that the absolute most you are likely to get from a person, is what they think you expect of them.  You reason that if you treat them like they are a superstar, you will get their best work.  If they feel admired and happy and fulfilled in their work, they will do their best work.  If they like you, they will do that little bit more for you and your kid.

And you're right, it works.

Not every time, but enough of the time.  You get results.  You get them at their best.  It's awesome.  You go girl, you work that system.  It's not manipulative, it is creating the most positive environment for the most positive outcome.  It is part of your job and you are good at your job.  You rock.  You, my dear, are a total superstar at what you do.

You know what you suck at?

Treating yourself well.

You completely and utterly suck at that.

You stay up too late, you drink too much coffee, you don't exercise, when time or money or energy gets tight the things that make you happy are the first things to go out the door every single time.  You eat crap.  Seriously, there are more than two food groups and none of them are called "coffee" and "Carbs".  It's like you're punishing your body with food, not feeding it.  And the only exercise you get these days is hauling the girls around.  You have stellar triceps and biceps but they are seriously the only part of your body with tone.  You don't drink enough water.  And you are mad at yourself most of the time.

You are mad that you haven't got half the things on your to-do list done.  You are mad that you are not kinder and nicer.  You are mad that you aren't a good enough mother, wife, friend - whatever.  You are mad that you fall so short of the expectations you have of yourself. You're mad that your armor had chinks. But armor without chinks can't move, you know that.  And you need to dance sometimes. You are angry that you trusted or hoped or believed in people who have hurt you lately - which really is not fair because, yes, those people have a history of letting you down, but honey if you never hope.....

And because you are mad you pile that on top so you can't see that you are sad.  You are sad that you can't stop the hurting.   Yours, Kaylee's, everyone's.  You are sad that so many of the people who are supposed to be in your corner are instead in the critics box.  You are sad that help and support seems to come with strings attached or judgement more often than not at  the moment  You are sad because you're realising that many of the dreams you had for yourself are impossible and the ones that aren't impossible are mostly really, really hard.

And you are tired.  You are tired of it being so hard, every day.

And because of all the sad and the tired, you get more mad.  Because you SHOULD.  You should be thankful for what you have, you should be more organised, you should take better care of yourself, you should work on your relationships more, you should be kinder and nicer and should.  Your shoulds could fill up a room and frequently, when you let your mind drift to the land of should, they do.  And it is easier to be mad than sad or tired.  It feels safer.  It feels stronger.  But it isn't.

So stop.

Tomorrow, when you get up in the morning, you are going to treat yourself like a superstar.

You are going to enjoy a cup of coffee, and make yourself some herbal tea and egg on toast for breakfast.  Yes, there's only one egg left  - everyone else will survive a few days until the grocery shopping is done, it won't kill them for you to eat it.

You are going to fill up a jug of water and take the time to drink it through the day

You are going to be at least a little bit realistic with your to-do list and cut yourself a break about the things you don't get done.

You are going to do something that makes you happy.  I don't know what right now because I'll be honest with you, I am so sad and tired I can't imagine being happy right now.  But you will find a way.  And if you can't be happy, at least be neutral.  Find things that don't make you sad or frustrated or angry and do them for a while.

You will think about what you want to do tomorrow evening and if it is just go to bed, you will excuse yourself without guilt (or at least while telling yourself not to feel guilty) and go to bed and read and journal for a while on your own.  And that will be OK.

And you will feel tired, and you will feel like you work damn hard - because you do and that's OK because that's what superstars do.  That's why they are superstars, because they work darn hard.  But you will also feel loved.  You will feel cared for and you will feel respected.  By you.  And that's important.

Because honey, you are teaching people how to treat you by the way you treat yourself.  You are teaching your daughters how to treat themselves.  You are the only one who will take care of you, get used to that.  So you need to do it.  And when you get up the next morning, you will be a superstar, a BIGGER superstar than the day before.  And you will treat yourself as such.

And perhaps one day, you will stop being angry that you are not perfect.

Perhaps one day being a superstar will be enough.


  1. Realising all that is a huge step in the right direction ... I hope you will do the nourishing things you listed here, tomorrow morning. You could even get a headstart on it now, with a nap or early night.
    Sending you prayers, hugs and kind thoughts through cyberspace. xoxo

  2. WOW! This is me! My exact heart. My son has CDLS also and I have two daughters. Its tough and it feels as though there is no me. Often I forget me often I only want to just sit on my bed indulge in social media. Watching all the lives of people coming and going feeling sad for myself because im always home. Anyways i could go on and on but thank you for this affirmation.