A letter to myself

Dear Me,

Here's the thing.  When a doctor or a nurse or a specialist or a therapist walks in the door, you treat them like a superstar.  You do this, not because you worship the "expert" or the "degree" but because you know that the absolute most you are likely to get from a person, is what they think you expect of them.  You reason that if you treat them like they are a superstar, you will get their best work.  If they feel admired and happy and fulfilled in their work, they will do their best work.  If they like you, they will do that little bit more for you and your kid.

And you're right, it works.

Not every time, but enough of the time.  You get results.  You get them at their best.  It's awesome.  You go girl, you work that system.  It's not manipulative, it is creating the most positive environment for the most positive outcome.  It is part of your job and you are good at your job.  You rock.  You, my dear, are a total superstar at what you do.

You know what you suck at?

Treating yourself well.

You completely and utterly suck at that.

You stay up too late, you drink too much coffee, you don't exercise, when time or money or energy gets tight the things that make you happy are the first things to go out the door every single time.  You eat crap.  Seriously, there are more than two food groups and none of them are called "coffee" and "Carbs".  It's like you're punishing your body with food, not feeding it.  And the only exercise you get these days is hauling the girls around.  You have stellar triceps and biceps but they are seriously the only part of your body with tone.  You don't drink enough water.  And you are mad at yourself most of the time.

You are mad that you haven't got half the things on your to-do list done.  You are mad that you are not kinder and nicer.  You are mad that you aren't a good enough mother, wife, friend - whatever.  You are mad that you fall so short of the expectations you have of yourself. You're mad that your armor had chinks. But armor without chinks can't move, you know that.  And you need to dance sometimes. You are angry that you trusted or hoped or believed in people who have hurt you lately - which really is not fair because, yes, those people have a history of letting you down, but honey if you never hope.....

And because you are mad you pile that on top so you can't see that you are sad.  You are sad that you can't stop the hurting.   Yours, Kaylee's, everyone's.  You are sad that so many of the people who are supposed to be in your corner are instead in the critics box.  You are sad that help and support seems to come with strings attached or judgement more often than not at  the moment  You are sad because you're realising that many of the dreams you had for yourself are impossible and the ones that aren't impossible are mostly really, really hard.

And you are tired.  You are tired of it being so hard, every day.

And because of all the sad and the tired, you get more mad.  Because you SHOULD.  You should be thankful for what you have, you should be more organised, you should take better care of yourself, you should work on your relationships more, you should be kinder and nicer and softer....you should...you should....you should.  Your shoulds could fill up a room and frequently, when you let your mind drift to the land of should, they do.  And it is easier to be mad than sad or tired.  It feels safer.  It feels stronger.  But it isn't.

So stop.

Tomorrow, when you get up in the morning, you are going to treat yourself like a superstar.

You are going to enjoy a cup of coffee, and make yourself some herbal tea and egg on toast for breakfast.  Yes, there's only one egg left  - everyone else will survive a few days until the grocery shopping is done, it won't kill them for you to eat it.

You are going to fill up a jug of water and take the time to drink it through the day

You are going to be at least a little bit realistic with your to-do list and cut yourself a break about the things you don't get done.

You are going to do something that makes you happy.  I don't know what right now because I'll be honest with you, I am so sad and tired I can't imagine being happy right now.  But you will find a way.  And if you can't be happy, at least be neutral.  Find things that don't make you sad or frustrated or angry and do them for a while.

You will think about what you want to do tomorrow evening and if it is just go to bed, you will excuse yourself without guilt (or at least while telling yourself not to feel guilty) and go to bed and read and journal for a while on your own.  And that will be OK.

And you will feel tired, and you will feel like you work damn hard - because you do and that's OK because that's what superstars do.  That's why they are superstars, because they work darn hard.  But you will also feel loved.  You will feel cared for and you will feel respected.  By you.  And that's important.

Because honey, you are teaching people how to treat you by the way you treat yourself.  You are teaching your daughters how to treat themselves.  You are the only one who will take care of you, get used to that.  So you need to do it.  And when you get up the next morning, you will be a superstar, a BIGGER superstar than the day before.  And you will treat yourself as such.

And perhaps one day, you will stop being angry that you are not perfect.

Perhaps one day being a superstar will be enough.

Ten tips for Self Care

Mothering Monday

Self Care - what it is and why I hate it, and why I need to do it anyway

A while back, I mentioned self care and the fact that I hate it.

What is it?  Well, wikipedia defines it as:  personal health maintenance. It is any activity of an individual, family or community, with the intention of improving or restoring health, or treating or preventing disease.

Sounds OK, right?  What could be bad about that?

Well, for me, self care means being proactive about taking care of myself.  It means planning ahead, asking for help, eating right, going to bed at a decent hour, making a workable exercise plan and sticking to it....yeah, not my favourite things.  Also, kind of hard.

But the more people I have depending on me, the more important it is.  The more demanding, time consuming and esoteric their care, the more important it is as a carer to practise self care.  When we are talking longer term needs, self care is pretty much non-negotiable.  I have a hubby who really loves having me around, I have kids whose care is an all day (and sometimes all night) affair, especially seeing as we homeschool.  In the next week or so I will have a newborn who will be rather attached to my chest.  And then there is Miss Kaylee whose daily care is so esoteric only one other person on the planet can do it, whose medical and therapy needs are so vast and complex only I really know everything and whose needs will be life long.  I need to take care of myself because me breaking, is simply not an option. I think this is why I am writing this series, I'm writing it to myself.

Over the next while I am going to expand on different areas of self care (physical, mental, emotional, social and spiritual) with some practical tips of how to manage it (finding and accepting help, support networks, the internet and self care, creative outlets).  For now, I want to spring board into this with ten general ideas of how to make self care do-able, sustainable and a little less of a chore.

(1) Forget about martyrdom. If your kids were cold, would you take the wood and build a cross and nail yourself to it?  No, you'd build a fire!  Hurting yourself through neglect does not help your children, it hurts them and makes you less effective.  We have friends and family who will not sleep or eat for days at a time when they hear something distressing is going on in our lives.  They think they are showing us love and I do appreciate the fact they care about us so much.  But the truth is, we just don't tell them about the bad stuff any more because them hurting does not help us - it just hurts us more.  It also deprives us of support because they are physically run down and cannot be practical help when we need it.   I have seen so many mothers needlessly run themselves into the ground and end up exhausted, with damaged health, frustrated and angry that they are so under appreciated.  If they took the time to take care of themselves, they would be able to serve their family more effectively and joyfully.  Perhaps the most vivid lesson in this came to me when Kaylee was about 4 or 5 days old.  I had not slept since before she was born, my legs were so swollen I could hardly walk and I was on the brink of physical, mental and emotional breakdown.  I walked into her room to find them preparing to give her a spinal tap - a painful and distressing procedure.  I almost physically collapsed.  I had to leave the room while it was done.  I have to forgive myself every day for not being there with her.  If you do not take care of yourself, one day your kids may need you and you will not be there.

Image Credit

(2) Make a realistic plan. When it was just me, I could just cruise without a plan.  I chose to go for a run most mornings, but could go any time of day if I missed it.  The only limitations to my meal times and content was opening times of the cafeteria and my budget.  If I pulled an all nighter, I could crash after class....or occasionally in class.  If I got sick, I could lay in bed feeling sorry for myself until I felt better.  Nowdays, things need to be a little better planned.  If I am going to drink enough water, I need to plan ahead and have a bottle of water and glass in a spot that I walk past often.  If I am going to have good food and enough of it, I need to make sure it is in the fridge and easy to prepare.  If I am going to get to bed at a decent hour, I need to start on that particular plan at breakfast time!  I also need to keep it realistic.  I would love to be training to run a 10k - but at 40 weeks and 5 days pregnant with our current schedule it just isn't realistic and any plans along those lines would be doomed to failure right now.

(3) Start small and attach it to routine.  This is the key to keeping it realistic.  Sometimes I get all churned up about self care and create a beautifully elaborate self-care plan, which promptly falls over after about a week.  The concept of routine is not original, Flylady relies on it and it's effectiveness is why her ideas are so popular.  Think of one small thing that will help you take care of yourself: drinking more, getting more exercise, eating better.  Plan how to take care of that need: create a spot to keep a bottle or jug with a glass (somewhere high traffic, like on your kitchen bench next to the fridge or on your desk), bookmark a couple of ten minute work outs on youtube, get the ingredients for some healthy smoothies.  Then plan a time: grab a drink every time you walk into the kitchen, pick a work out time directly after or before something that you already do (med time, nap time, meal time etc.), make a smoothie every breakfast or lunch time or as afternoon tea before you start dinner (added benefit of making you less hungry at meal times!).  Once you and your family get used to the habit, it is much easier to maintain.

(4) Little bits often.  I used to get frustrated with trying to exercise because I couldn't find the time for the hour long run or pilates work out I wanted to do.  Time to myself was a joke, I could never get an hour, afternoon or a day, let alone a weekend to myself.  But I can carve out five minutes here and there.  I can take fifteen minutes to have a shower on my own after the kids are in bed or read for ten minutes before I turn out my light.  I can take ten minutes with my dumbells or to do some stretches each morning before I get the kids up, after I put the little ones down for a nap and just before I start dinner (30 minutes exercise!).  When I started to appreciate and savour these moments rather than griping that I don't get more, I really started to feel the full benefit of them.  It was easier to be consistent and I was less prone to feel conflicted about taking time for myself.

(5) Learn to say no to say yes.

 When you say to yourself "Yes, I am going to take care of myself", you will find yourself having to say no.  No to extra responsibilities with the kid's scout troupe, no to a ministry opportunity at church, no to packing up the kids for a visit to family several hours drive away - even no to adding another therapy, class, activity to your kid's schedule.  It may even mean saying no just to yourself.  No to staying up on Facebook until you can't keep your eyes open, no to self medicating your sadness with binge eating, no to the toxic cycle of guilt.  Saying no is not fun or easy.  I HATE living within my limits and being human.  I need to focus on the yes.  Yes, I will be healthy and strong to take care of my family.  Yes, I will be calm and mentally present.  Yes, I will create a schedule that has balance and tranquillity. 

(6) Remember who you are accountable to.  Every one will have an opinion on how you run your life.  The less conventional your life, the more freedom people feel to comment on how you should run it.  Anyone who has a child with a disability can testify to having outrageously inappropriate unsolicited advice slung their way.  Larger family?  People stop you on the street to tell you how to run things.  Homeschool?  Yeah, fah-get-about-it.  Every problem you or your child faces will be attributed to that choice by well meaning family, friends, strangers and even random medical professionals.  I am not suggesting you spurn all advice or insight, but you do need to have a compass point.  I am accountable to God, my hubby and my kids.  We are running a marathon not a sprint and my family recognise this.  If they come across me having a cuppa when there are dishes in the sink, they will not disparage me as lazy and self-indulgent - they know how hard I work.  We as a family do not hold being on top of the laundry as the penultimate achievement in mothering.   If I was to try and live up to the standards of everyone who feels the need to speak judgement into our lives, I would quickly burn out.

(7) Make it attractive.  I know, I bang on and on about how much I hate self-care.  But it can be made more attractive.  I have exercises that I actually enjoy doing and if I plan to do them, there is actually a snowball's chance of me getting it done.  A pretty journal to write and a nice pen in is so enticing.  One of these days I am going to get myself a nice jug and glass for my water.  Smoothies are delicious plus my kids love them so I have the added joy (and accountability) of making them happy.  If it is quick, easy, accessible and enjoyable, it is much more likely to happen.

(8) Get back on the wagon.  However well planned, your self-care at some point WILL fall apart.  Life happens, unforseens crop up, things stop working.  The mistake often made is to give up entirely.  Perhaps your plans need a little tweaking, perhaps you just need to start again - but you need to get back on the wagon.

Image Credit

(9) Accept help and delegate.  This is hard and distinguishing real help from the kind of help that actually generates more work can be difficult.  This really needs a whole post of its own.  But allowing my kids to take responsibility around the home, trusting my husband to feed Kaylee and allowing a trusted friend to watch my kids are three important, and surprisingly difficult, things for me to do.  The control freak in me struggles awfully with it.  But when I do it, everyone is happier.

(10) Just Do It.  Seriously, there comes a point where you have to stop thinking about it, planning it and complaining about it - pull up your big girl panties - and just do it.  Done is better than perfect when it comes to self care.

Are you listening, me?

When the Unlovely Loves the Unlikable - and other tales of parenting

Motherin' Monday

I love my kids, I really, really do.

But they are not always likeable.

There are all kinds of firsts that you don't have space for in the baby books.  The first time your child smears poo.  The first time your child lies to you.  The first time your child has a melt down in public.  The first time they manage to push your buttons to the point where you COMPLETELY LOOSE IT.

And the first time you realise they are reflecting your character flaws right back at ya.

Ouch.

It was easy to fool myself that I was a nice person before I had a husband and kids.  If I was frustrated, I could withdraw from the situation.  People were generally fairly polite to me and if they weren't I could leave, feeling justified in my wrath, and go and find some other friends.  If I was feeling snarky or in need of "me time" I could just go home, close the door, turn up my Janis Joplin album and read angst-y books to my hearts content. 'That time of the month' was usually accompanied by solo trips to the movies, buckets of jersey caramels and a door locked from the inside.  It was awesome.

But the thing is, you can't take the batteries out of your kids when they annoy you.  You have to take care of them even when they are being pillocks, brats and generally unpleasant children.  And those days have the happy coincidence of arriving (at least at my house) when I am at my least likeable too.

I can't decide if it is irony, God having a slightly twisted sense of humour or character growth.

As a mother, I have gleaned a few tips which work for me when it comes to loving the unlike-able child and dealing with my own less-than-lovely traits.  I am sharing here so I can come back and read them on *those* days and in the hopes that y'all can chime in.  Because let's face it, we need all the help we can get.


This is not a series on discipline techniques - I am not brave enough to do that.  Perhaps self discipline will come into it sometimes!  But for the most part, it's survival tips, thoughts and relationship building techniques from a non-expert who may have had opportunity to make a few mistakes and might have found out some stuff that may work for you too.

Tip 1

Take responsibility for yourself

* Don't be reactionary. If your children's every day behaviour can cast you into the pit of despair or catapult you to the heights of joy, you are in for a roller coaster of a ride.  If you join in your toddler's tantrums more often than not, nobody is having fun.  If you take everything your child decides to do personally, you are in for a slow decent to insanity.  Take a deep breath, step back and deal with whatever is going on like a grown up, do not engage.  If you stay grounded, you can be their anchor.

* Know your own limitations and plan accordingly.  I hate being human.  When I try and be super-human though, it just ain't pretty.  I hit a limit - needing to eat, sleep, bathe, have two minutes brain space to think, get a spiritual re-fill from prayer or the Word - and I haven't planned for it (because I am being super human that week).  I either have to push through or step back and let all the balls I had in the air fall down, letting down my kids, my husband and myself.  Which makes me crabby.  Often, crabby with my husband and kids.  And woe betide if any of THEM are less than perfect when I am in THAT particular mood!  But who is responsible for whom in this situation?  Is it my kid's job to make sure I eat well, get enough sleep, exercise, make time for spiritual input etc?  Who is the Mum here?  

I hate self-care, with the fire of a thousand suns I hate it.  I get everyone fed, bathed and put to bed then find out I forgot someone - me.  I don't want to do those things, but I need to.  Someday soon I will expand on this more (or not, because, you know, I hate self care) but the upshot of it is, you cannot effectively manage your kids if you are not taking care of yourself.  You are a grown-up, taking care of you is your job, nobody else's.

* Spank or hug your inner-moppet when necessary.  Few of us, in this fallen world, have made it to adulthood without emotional *stuff*.  Whatever your issues, you need to own them and deal with them.  Unfair?  Yup.  You know what would be even less fair?  Passing on that legacy to your kids.  Seriously, you owe it to them to mess them up in a totally creative new way.  Take some time to think and pray about the things that trigger guilt, rage, frustration, hopelessness, anxiety etc. in you.  Journal, seek counselling, take an anger management course, pray - do whatever you have to in order to deal with it.  Rinse and repeat pretty much forever.  Because your pain and trauma does not justify you hurting your kids.  Yes, it needs to be said.  When they grow up, they WILL remember the ways you hurt them.  There is nothing you can say to them that will make it OK that you hurt them, you were supposed to protect and care for them.  Through humbly asking forgiveness and working hard to get rid of your junk so you can love them well, you can build a relationship with them which will foster love, mercy and forgiveness on both sides.  But you need to do your homework and take care of your junk.  You are the grown up.

Bad news: parenting can bring up all sorts of stuff you never even realised was there, dealing with it is your responsibility and it is not fun and it is not easy.

Good news:  This will give you opportunity to lay down burdens you didn't even know you were carrying and become the beautiful creation you were intended to be (2 Corinthians 5:17)

Yeah, I sometimes wonder if it's worth it too.  But I know it is.

* Forgive yourself. Every day.  Guilt is toxic, let it go before it poisons you.  You cannot do better if you are still beating yourself up over your failures.  Loving your kids when they are unlike-able is hard, but when you are consumed with self loathing it is damn near impossible.  

 Does all of this seem too hard?  If so, just curl yourself in a ball and hide yourself in God's mercy.  It's the best place to start and if you hide yourself in Him deep enough, all these things will probably happen anyway.  Because my experience has taught me that the best way to become a good mother, is to get to know your heavenly Father better.

What about you?  How do you manage those days when you and/or your children are being unlike-able?